In the Beginning.....

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Location: Apollo Beach, Florida, United States

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Thursday, January 04, 2007

The Funny Farm

Hmmm... Where to start? OK, after my last post my boyfriend's "wife" dropped off their son totally by surprise and said... here you go, fix him. Yes, you heard me right.... still married. He was separated 3 years when we got together and we've been together for over 3 years so add it up. It's completely ridiculous and I'm way over it. Our relationship was already REALLY bad (I'd been considering dumping him since 2 months after we got together) and now with his almost 13 year-old son here, it's even worse. I feel like I'm in an insane asylum with no way to escape. My daughter and I are both miserable but have no clue how to get out of it. Financially I'm screwed until my house sells. It's been up for 3 months and I've only had 3 couples look at it.

In my new spiritual birth I feel this relationship is UN-Godly. The more I learn about the Bible, the dirtier I feel about staying in this relationship. I know the Bible says "God will provide". I know I should trust that God will give me what I need. I know I should ask Kenny and his son to leave. Even though I believe it... even though I desperately need it... I am truly paralyzed with fear and I don't know why. A day falls into a week into a month into a year. I feel like this one sin is causing everything to get worse and worse... like God is letting it spiral into a domino effect until I throw up my hands and completely trust in Him. I know it sounds crazy but I don't want to live with a man that I am not married to any longer. My new self doesn't believe in the things I used to. LORD, please give me the courage to do what I know is right in your eyes. Amen.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Passion of the Christ

I watched "Passion of the Christ" tonight. I saw it when it came out, but watched it with new eyes tonight. I cried through most of the movie. It's amazing the love he felt for everyone and the forgiveness he bestowed on us. I was blown away by the love I felt back for him. Look at what he went through for us... the pain...death, and all he wants from us is to believe in him. Pure and simple. How did I not see this so clearly before?


I know most of you think I've gone and lost my mind. If I could only begin to tell you how this came about. If you could only see what my heart feels. I've never been so sure of anything in my whole life. Even my own doubts that run through my mind don't feel real. They feel planted. Planted by the devil losing one more soul to God. How angry he must be...cause I know he thought he had me. He almost did.

FORGIVENESS

I AM Forgiven! That's what my pastor says. That's what God says. If only I can learn to forgive myself.

The church was calling me for months but I only started attending on May 14th, 2006 "Mother's Day". I felt like I came home that day. I was born again when I was baptized on August 28th, 2006. And then it all started.... the guilt.

Let me start by saying that I have always "believed" in God but since the age of 14 or 15 have NEVER practiced being a good christian, far from it. I never thought of myself as a BAD person but looking back I was definitely a child of Satan.

My goal now is to eliminate the bad habits and fill them with new, good habits. I know what you're thinking, easier said than done. You're right, and I keep slipping up all the time. But with Jesus by my side I know I can do it. It's going to be a journey for sure.

Let me give you a background of my evil deeds:
I started smoking pot and cigarettes at 14, drinking, trying other drugs, and shop-lifting at 15, stripping at 17, lesbianism at 22 (I think, or maybe earlier), and these are just a few of the sins I can label easily. I could go on and on but I think you get the point. Basically, I have been blatantly sinning for 22 years.

And now whatever sins still linger have to be banished. I love God and Jesus too much. I want to see my grandmother in heaven. I want my daughter to have the opportunity to love God and believe in Jesus "whole-heartedly" from childhood. I don't want her to be 36 and saying "What have I done?" The shame is overwhelming!

God said the truth shall set you free. So here is my truth... am I free?